I find myself at a bend in the road this week.
Sometimes bends can be exciting; other times they bring enormous relief; or perhaps a bittersweet feeling as one journey comes to end and another begins.
This bend is of the bittersweet variety, and came about because Little Miss told me she can’t fit into her car seat anymore.
This is the car seat in question:
Now, this particular car seat has been in our family for the past nine years. It was Bookworm’s first of all, then Picasso’s, and finally, belonged to Little Miss. And now she has outgrown it, it’s not needed anymore, and I have been confronted by the fact that there really are no more babies in our house now. Nor will there be any more.
There are things I really like about this – no more night feeds or 5am starts. No more nappies or bottles or inexplicable crying just when you were ABSOLUTELY SURE they had finally fallen asleep. It doesn’t take three weeks to pack the car for a trip down to the shops anymore and my life is not dictated by nap times.
But…there are also no more newborn cuddles, no more babies falling asleep in my arms. I have this really clear memory of Little Miss as a baby that I hold onto – she was just born and it was after a night feed. It was raining outside and she fell asleep against my shoulder. I knew she was probably my last baby, so I decided to sit there and hold her and just enjoy her. I felt her breath against my skin and kissed that sweet spot on her neck that all babies have. It is one of the most beautiful memories I have.
I don’t really want to go back to babyland – but I desperately wish I could step back into that moment and experience it for just a few minutes. I really believe there is some part of my heart, some yearning, that is only satisfied by a little baby. But it’s not enough to make me go through it all again.
So we say goodbye to the car seat…and babies…and we look forward to all the fun of being a family with school aged children. I really am very glad to be here.
Only…contrarily…some part of me can’t help wishing she’d just stayed like this: